At what point do we realize that we are hitting rock bottom? That is a question that I’ve been asking myself for almost 5 years now, I’ve been going through so much shit my entire life that at this point I can’t even tell apart the shit from the happiness, I remember that I used to enjoy going outside to play, or just to sit under a tree to sleep but now everything is so dark, so full of sadness that I don’t even know how to handle life without alcohol and drugs, I’ve lost myself during the journey, I lose my dignity, my self-respect and above all my selflove.
It’s been 11 years since I did a drug for the first time, the only memory that I have about that moment is me seated in a park drunk as hell insulting a self-called “gangster” who was trying to impress my ex-girlfriend playing the role of a thug guy, I knew that the guy was a complete pussy so I faced him but at the moment I didn’t realize that he had a knife, I remember a friend trying to appease things down talking to the guy, I was so goddamn drunk that the only thing that I did was keep insulting the guy, so this friend came at me with a cigarrete, not a regular but a marihuana filled with, and gave it to me, “take this, it’ll make feel better, more relaxed” he told me, so I took it and smoked it all, I started to feel some tickles in my stomach, as the time started to going slower I started to feel more relaxed, that was the day that I fell in love with the marihuana.
After that day, in that specific year, I smoked just a couple times but it was so good, I enjoyed so much those days, sitting under a tree in a local park smoking alone(I forgot to mention that I felt embarrassed for doing it) and enjoying the blue sky by myself laughing at everything, it was perfect I’ve got to admit. The years after that I started to smoke more frequently, the amounts of weed increased considerably in the days after, I started buying grams, then eights, then half ounces and then without even realizing it I was buying pounds of weed, selling weed to people that I thought were my friends, smoking every single day all day long, I use to wake with my pipe right next to my head(I’m still doing it though, at least until last week), smoking before taking a shower, before and after eating, basically to do anything, so the time passed by and the years so as well, at this point of the story it’s been 6 years since the first time that I did marihuana, a drug dealer I was without realizing it, for me it was just a way to get free weed and some cash to buy me things, and then happened to happen that I became an adult, a citizen in law terms, my first ID now I could do whatever I want, so stupidly I thought, I remember that the very first thing that I did was go to a bar and get drunk as hell, but this time legally because now I was able to drink as much as I wanted and where ever I wanted. That night I got arrested for the very first time, for possession and public intoxication, that day I learned a valuable lesson, I wasn’t a kid anymore, I couldn’t just talk things out anymore, at that moment I had been stopped by the police so many times but never arrested because I was a minor, now I was sitting in a small cell waiting for someone to pick me up with and realizing that from now on things would be different.
After that moment I started to become more shady, at that moment everything that I’d seen in the movies started to make sense, the killings, the dirty money, the addicts and how people like me were destroying lives pretending that nothing was wrong, I became quieter and harder, the weed business wasn’t all fun anymore, now I was aware that I was a drug dealer not a friendly florist, it was at that moment that I started to realize that I was destroying myself, not because weed is bad but because it wasn’t about the weed anymore, it was about the dirty business that I was running, could’ve been any other drug that the background was the same, I bought it from a kinpin from my hood that was well known for being a son of a bitch but I didn’t mind it because he sold it cheap to me.